Where Raising Independent Kids Meets Modern Mothering Guilt

A better title to this might be the "The Benefits of Parenting with a Chronic Illness" or "The Huge Risks of Parenting with a Chronic Illness" depending on your point of view.  My fibromyalgia causes me to have much less energy than most people.  Fortunately, pain is not my worst symptom - fatigue is - which means that I can do the things that most people do, but far less of it.  I have fewer good, up hours than most people.  I end up hitting the couch earlier than most people need to crash so the main consequence is that I have less time.

We often get home from activities or errands and I need to crash so the kids have to handle their own baths.  It isn't uncommon that they move the last load of laundry to the dryer for me and even know which settings are for which types of loads.  A few times, Carmella has peeled carrots for me when I am so tired that standing in the kitchen is difficult.  They make their own peanut butter sandwiches when they get hungry.  This is great unless I am about to cook dinner, of course.  They know how to shut off the stove and oven as well as the timer to buy me a couple of minutes getting back to the kitchen.  Later in the day they put their own dishes in the dishwasher and clean up the kitchen floor.  They fold towels.  Yes, they do need to be asked multiple times and this doesn't translate into cleaning up their toys sprawled out in the dining room, but they are taking charge of many tasks at a much younger age than most kids.

This does lead to some guilt.  I know most kids their ages still get the coziness of Mom assisting with a bath.  It feels like the house is in some disorganized chaos all the time.  I am sure when I am not feeling well, I also get frustrated and snappy more easily.  Ultimately, though, it seems that they are more independent.

Today, Easter Sunday, I am in loads of pain and my lower back is out, so the kids have to handle themselves whatever they choose to do (Dad is at work).  When it was time to color Easter eggs, I told them to fill the pan with the eggs and water and that I would turn on the stove to boil them.  They dropped and broke 4 eggs.  I got upset, of course, but told them I was going back to rest and to call me after they had cleaned up, and furthermore, instead of boiling 20 they were now down to 16.  Yes, I do feel a little guilty about making them do their own clean up of the egg mess and I know most parents would have let them take 4 more eggs from the fridge rather than having them accept their own losses.  I am sure on Easter that if I wasn't suffering so much that the guilt would have overcome me and I would have provided more assistance, but it seems, since they succeeded, that it would be at the cost of character building.

When I came back to the kitchen I poured the hot water and vinegar, but left and let them put in their own food coloring and decorate their own eggs.  The results were great:

I still don't know how the different color splotches came about so they must know some advanced technique I couldn't have taught them.

There were risks though.  The water was hot, although I know they have a thorough understanding of hot in the kitchen so I am sure it is why they didn't get burned.  They could have gotten dye in places that weren't helpful or broken a mug, but then I would have had them clean up.  Last night they learned how to safely clean up broken glass, so they would have been ready.

I know to some people this all may seem risky, but so far, it seems that they are more independent and confident than most kids so I keep coming back to the fact that this may be the right approach even though I have sort of defaulted to it because of my fibro.

What about you?  Do you let your kids handle their own messes and projects, on purpose or by accident?  Do you find it builds character?