Where Raising Independent Kids Meets Modern Mothering Guilt

A better title to this might be the "The Benefits of Parenting with a Chronic Illness" or "The Huge Risks of Parenting with a Chronic Illness" depending on your point of view.  My fibromyalgia causes me to have much less energy than most people.  Fortunately, pain is not my worst symptom - fatigue is - which means that I can do the things that most people do, but far less of it.  I have fewer good, up hours than most people.  I end up hitting the couch earlier than most people need to crash so the main consequence is that I have less time.

We often get home from activities or errands and I need to crash so the kids have to handle their own baths.  It isn't uncommon that they move the last load of laundry to the dryer for me and even know which settings are for which types of loads.  A few times, Carmella has peeled carrots for me when I am so tired that standing in the kitchen is difficult.  They make their own peanut butter sandwiches when they get hungry.  This is great unless I am about to cook dinner, of course.  They know how to shut off the stove and oven as well as the timer to buy me a couple of minutes getting back to the kitchen.  Later in the day they put their own dishes in the dishwasher and clean up the kitchen floor.  They fold towels.  Yes, they do need to be asked multiple times and this doesn't translate into cleaning up their toys sprawled out in the dining room, but they are taking charge of many tasks at a much younger age than most kids.

This does lead to some guilt.  I know most kids their ages still get the coziness of Mom assisting with a bath.  It feels like the house is in some disorganized chaos all the time.  I am sure when I am not feeling well, I also get frustrated and snappy more easily.  Ultimately, though, it seems that they are more independent.

Today, Easter Sunday, I am in loads of pain and my lower back is out, so the kids have to handle themselves whatever they choose to do (Dad is at work).  When it was time to color Easter eggs, I told them to fill the pan with the eggs and water and that I would turn on the stove to boil them.  They dropped and broke 4 eggs.  I got upset, of course, but told them I was going back to rest and to call me after they had cleaned up, and furthermore, instead of boiling 20 they were now down to 16.  Yes, I do feel a little guilty about making them do their own clean up of the egg mess and I know most parents would have let them take 4 more eggs from the fridge rather than having them accept their own losses.  I am sure on Easter that if I wasn't suffering so much that the guilt would have overcome me and I would have provided more assistance, but it seems, since they succeeded, that it would be at the cost of character building.

When I came back to the kitchen I poured the hot water and vinegar, but left and let them put in their own food coloring and decorate their own eggs.  The results were great:

I still don't know how the different color splotches came about so they must know some advanced technique I couldn't have taught them.

There were risks though.  The water was hot, although I know they have a thorough understanding of hot in the kitchen so I am sure it is why they didn't get burned.  They could have gotten dye in places that weren't helpful or broken a mug, but then I would have had them clean up.  Last night they learned how to safely clean up broken glass, so they would have been ready.

I know to some people this all may seem risky, but so far, it seems that they are more independent and confident than most kids so I keep coming back to the fact that this may be the right approach even though I have sort of defaulted to it because of my fibro.

What about you?  Do you let your kids handle their own messes and projects, on purpose or by accident?  Do you find it builds character?

Making Our Own Soap

I often contemplate whether or not our homeschooling approach is good.  We do a mix of online curriculum, reading classic books, and hands-on activities, not to mention the outside classes they have in art, science, martial arts and dancing.  I recently tried to decide which hands-on activities are most valuable.  It struck me that we should try to make as many of the things we use as possible - if not on an ongoing basis, at least once or twice to get a sense of what's involved.

Soap is something that I hadn't though about too much except I was pretty sure that what we were buying in the store wasn't all that healthy.  Once I researched it, however, I found out that so many academic subjects could be covered in making soap so there is value across age groups.  There's safety, chemistry, math, social studies, art, reading, and research skills.

Safety is very important since you are handling lye.  Glasses and gloves must be used.  I suit up the kids in sunglasses that wrap around with good coverage and gloves.  I also don't have them directly handle the lye.

Chemistry is obviously covered, but the real nuts and bolts of the reactions are probably better for older age groups though.  Still, my kids get a sense of it by measuring the temperature of lye and water mixture (with a non-touching thermometer) and seeing how much heat is given of when the two combine.

Math is well covered.  I have them add up the oil amounts so we know what number we are weighing to on the scale.  They weigh the oils and take temperatures.  They help me use an online calculator to determine how much lye and water is needed for the type of oil.  There is also cutting the soap trying to get as even measurements as possible and weighing the bars once they are cut.

Social studies is loosely covered since I have explained that mixing oils and lye is the traditional way of making soap back into history.  There is also the economics of selling some of the soap online and to friends and acquaintances. 

Art is somewhat involved because one can get creative with coloring and design.  Although we prefer natural soaps we stay away from too much in the way of color.  However, it is interesting to see how appearance is affected by the ingredients.  We may experiment with color at some point providing it is from natural sources.

Reading is obvious since we need to read recipes.  Although many recipes we learn by watching videos.

This brings me to one of the best thing - research skills.  We learned a great deal from youtube and doing internet searches so the kids got a sense of how to take charge and learn something independently without only relying on formal education.  It also strikes me that youtube, on some respects, is like John Holt's vision for education where there are no schools, but people finding each other and teaching what they know.  This happens when an expert puts up a good video and people like us find them and can replicate what they are doing with no classroom required.  The information is free and available.

On a related note, we did make our own dry laundry detergent.  I am not sure what we will do next in the way of things we use.  What items have you made as a homeschool project that you were able to use?

Walking Home with No Underwear

I have probably grabbed your attention with the title.  Hopefully, you will find the post interesting too.  Today, I took the kids swimming.  This is something I do pretty often to keep their skills up.  It is an undertaking in some ways because we need to pack up and walk the mile there.  Luckily our bags are on wheels.  I don't always have a lot of energy which translates into less time when I do have energy, so I frequently have the kids pack their own bags.  It is hard to get Carmella going sometimes, but once she starts packing she remembers everything.  So at least it is smooth once we get there.  Thomas, on the other hand, often forgets whole outfits having to walking home in the same outfit he wore there despite it being dirty and having had a full shower.  I am big on re-wearing outfits a time or two before washing, but after a bath or shower, I think something that is completely clean is most appropriate.  I often wear the same thing (for all leave-the-house occasions) for a full 48 hours between showers, but then I want a fresh outfit.  Anyway, today, despite being reminded by Carmella and me, Thomas forgot his underwear.  So I had to decide whether to let him wear dirty underwear after a shower or to walk home with no underwear on.  I chose the latter for the above mentioned reasons. 

Then, I started thinking to myself that it is a good thing that he doesn't go to school.  He would suffer in terms of lower grades for forgetting homework or forgetting to have it signed or getting in trouble for not having forms signed.  Of course, it can't just be my son.  I am sure there are loads of kids like him.  There must be lots of kids getting into trouble in school for being forgetful.  This isn't exactly what is happening though.  To my knowledge, parents are very involved in kids' homework and teachers purposely involve them.  The parents open the backpacks.  Perhaps this is the problem.  Kids often don't become accountable or independent because the consequences are so serious (in terms of grades) that they are not left to handle their responsibility independently.  I think it is good for my son that he had to walk home with no underwear.  Next time, he will be more likely to remember and it has no permanent consequences (like a school transcript), only the short term weird feeling of walking home in pants with no underwear under them.

The funny thing is that when he goes to one of his activities, I let him go in the boy's locker room alone and he changes outfits just fine and doesn't forget anything.  He is even fast at it versus my begging him to get dressed at home.  At that same activity, there is a boy close to his age, probably in between his and Carmella's ages, who changes in the girls locker room with his mother.  Aside from this bugging me a little bit since Carmella has to change with him, it is clearly not going to help him be independent.  I am not sure her reason for doing it.  If it is out of fear, it doesn't make sense since these are small locker rooms with the instructors (appropriate gender) moving in and out of them frequently.  I would understand fear in a big public place like a mall or grocery store with many strangers.  In those settings, Thomas still comes in the ladies room with us (provided Dad isn't out with us).  It must be because she feels like she needs to help him change or pack.  In my experience though, my kids handle things in a grown up manner when I give them space.  When I micromanage, they go out of their way to be forgetful and even goofy and out of hand.

Perhaps this is the problem with the education system today.  In the 1980s we were a bit older when we went to school.  I don't remember my parents ever opening my backpack.  Sometimes, they asked if I had homework and sometimes they didn't.  I learned to keep track of myself so I wouldn't get a bad grade or lose recess.  Now kids get a mixed message.  They are expected to work full-time at school as if they are adults, but they are not given the responsibility and corresponding feeling of independence.  It's not that I think parents should never help with a difficult homework, but being involved in it daily, especially at the expectation of the teachers, is counterproductive.  While I am not always successful, I try to teach my kids in a manner opposite to this.  I want them to have real responsibility (packing without me checking their bags), but don't want to turn it into a full-time job.

Anyway, this is what I was thinking about while my son walked home with no underwear on.  Only time will tell if my methods are better, but something to ponder.